Sexual Orientation: Sexual Behaviour
The following presentation was given by Deb McGinnis to fellow counsellors of ACA (Australian Counselling Association) in Brisbane on July 8, 2023.
Sexual Orientation
- An enduring pattern of romantic or sexual attraction (or a combination of these) to:
- Persons of the opposite sex (heterosexuality)
- Persons of the same sex or gender (homosexuality)
- Both sexes or more than one gender (bisexuality, pansexuality)
- Or lack of sexual attraction (asexuality)
Sexual Behaviour
- The manner in which humans experience and express their sexuality
- Variety of sexual acts, ranging from activities done alone to acts with another person
- Invite you to include erotic behaviour (not necessarily sexual) for today’s discussion
What comes to mind?
- Non-conventional sexual practices, concepts or fantasies – outside the ‘mainstream’
- In contrast to ‘straight’ or ‘vanilla’ sexual activities
- May change with time, society and generation
- Broader term that includes fetish, bdsm, sensation play, power play
FETISH
- Technically defined as a sexual fixation on a certain object or act that is necessary for a person to achieve sexual/erotic gratification
- May include non-genital body parts or inanimate objects
- Does not necessarily involve sexual activity
- If you enjoy xyz it may be a kink; if you can’t get off without xyz it may be a fetish
BDSM
Bondage, discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism
Involves power dynamics
Does not necessarily involve sexual activity
BONDAGE
- The practice of consensually tying, binding, or restraining a partner for erotic, aesthetic or somatosensory stimulation
- Could include confinement (ie cages) or suspension
DISCIPLINE
- Agreed upon rules and punishments for control of behaviour
- Can be emotional or physical
- Physical may include various forms of impact play (spanking, whips, flogs etc) or sensation play (tickling, biting, clothes pins etc)
- Emotional may include humiliation play, cuckolding, public exposure etc
DOMINATION
- Control over a scene, situation or relationship
- Physical contact is not necessary and can be conducted anonymously over the telephone, email or other messaging systems
- Those who take the control are called dominants – doms (regardless of gender) or dommes (female)
SUBMISSION
- Person grants another (or others) control over a scene, situation or relationship
- Called submissive or subs
- A switch is an individual who plays either role
SADISM
- The derivation of sexual gratification from the infliction of physical pain or humiliation on another person
- The person assuming the superior position can be a dominant or referred to as a top
MASOCHISM
- The derivation of erotic or sexual gratification from being subjected to physical pain or humiliation by oneself or another person
- Pleasure in being abused or dominated
- Called the bottom or sub, depending on scene and/or power dynamic
- Top/bottom addresses who is giving and who is receiving the action, and does not address if there is any psychological power exchange or not
STATISTICS
- In 2001 only 1.8% of people identified as kinky, while in 2013 that number had risen to 20%
- Why?
Fantasised about BDSM? Click on image to enlarge
Holvoet et al, 2017
Acted on fantasy?
Holvoet et al, 2017,
Regular practice?
Holvoet et al, 2017
Holvoet et al, 2017, Herbenick et al, 2017
LIMITATIONS OF DATA
- Limited studies – previously about psychopathology of participants
- Self-serving
- Fear of judgment
- Fear of consequences of disclosure
- Legal consequences
HISTORY
- A 1998 survey from the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom found that:
- 36 percent of BDSM practitioners have been victims of harassment
- 30 percent have been victims of discrimination
- 24 percent have lost a job or a contract
- 17 percent have lost a promotion
- 3 percent have lost custody of a child
- In 2010 the American Psychiatric Association announced that it would be changing the diagnostic codes for BDSM, fetishism, and transvestic fetishism in the next edition of the DSM. Consenting adults were no longer deemed mentally ill for choosing sexual behaviour outside the mainstream.
- The current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) labels sadism and masochism as mental disorders only if these caused the person significant stress or the other party didn’t consent
BUT WHY?
- Trust
- Connection
- Open to new experiences
- More open-minded
- Ability to act out desires
- Let go of control/be in control
- Higher sensory input
- Creativity
- Past experiences
- Sexual blueprint
PRESENTING ISSUES
- Nothing to do with the kink
- Your client wants to explore kink and doesn’t know where to start
- One partner is interested in exploring and their partner is less interested
- Your client is involved in kinky play that seems non-consensual or you have concerns about their ability to give or withdraw consent
- Your client is interested in setting up a ‘scene’ to enable healing from trauma
- Shame or guilt about specific activities
- Kink becomes a ‘must have’, an identity or a fetish
- Your client has unintentionally been physically or emotionally hurt from play
CLIENT CONCERNS
- judgment
- Fear of consequences of disclosing – lack of understanding may lead to confidentiality being broken and client being outed, which could impact childcare, support structures or employment
- Being pathologised
- Therapist focuses on kink and not on reasons for seeking counselling
- Therapist not understanding terminology; needing to spend significant time educating therapist
- 33% of participants would not disclose bdsm for fear of being judged
- 118 incidents of ‘biased’ or ‘inadequate care’
- Therapists requiring clients to give up BDSM as a condition to continuing therapy
- Assumptions of past family/spousal abuse (Kolmes, Stock, and Moser; 2006)
Your mission #1….
- Listen – it really may not be about the kink
- Kink may not the problem
- As long as play is consensual and legal, adults are free to engage in whatever sexual or erotic play they want to
- Their erotic preferences and expressions are normal, healthy and not necessarily an indicator of a problem
- People in the kink population deal with the same issues as the general population (depression, anxiety, trauma etc) because they are part of the general population
Your mission #2…
- Suspend judgment
- Don’t yuck someone’s yum
- For you it may not feel ‘normal’
- People have different thresholds for physical or emotional stimuli
- Pain does not equal hurt
- Kink as an erotic blueprint
- Your judgment could have far-reaching impacts on your clients’ lives
- Know your triggers
- Consentual non-consent vs sexual assault
- Cbt vs ‘the other’ cbt
- Male domination inside a patriarcial society
- Claustrophia
- Ice cubes ok, but not impact?
Your mission #3…
- Don’t pathlogise
- Kink is not pathology
- There is no evidence that those engaging or wanting to engage in any form of bdsm, fetish or other kink have past trauma, attachment wounds or any other psychopathology
- This is a form of marginalization and diminishes client’s ability to discuss issues such as consent, support and building strong relationships
Your mission #4…
- Be aware
- AND there will be situations where the kink is a problem
- Multiple ER visits, alienation from support structures, hypervigilance
- bruises, cuts, exhaustion not signs of problems
- When it is interfering with client’s every day lives, work, relationships etc
- Often boils down to consent
What to look for
- Consent freely given
- Discussion of potential reactions
- safe word or other method for ongoing consent
- Negotiation before play
- Aftercare plan in place and followed
- SSC = safe, sane, consensual; RISK = risk aware consensual kink
Your mission #5…
Allow your client/s to explore and don’t underestimate the power of your acceptance
Fetishes
Kink can be healing
- May look like being in the victim role consensually to increase sense of power
- May look like being in the dominant role to change the power dynamic
- May look like creating a different outcome
- Focus on preparation, negotiation and aftercare especially important
- Seek support if needed
Fetishes
- necessary for a person to achieve sexual/erotic gratification
- Can add to it but can’t subtract – this is necessary for client’s erotic or sexual gratification
- May cause distress in client if need not met
- Often kept secret due to association with identity, creating shame
- Will images suffice, porn or fantasy suffice?
- Breakdown details to ascertain essential components – this may help with partner ‘buy in’
- Assist to find online communities to normalize and reduce shame
- Fetlife to find willing partners
Know your resources
- Support, empower, normalise and help your client to connect
- Munches and venues – community connection
- Books
- Fetlife, facebook groups
- List of sexual/erotic activities – a comprehensive guide to what clients might like to try – breaking down what will work for both clients